I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
