I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
