That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
