Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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