That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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