Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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