So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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