I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
