My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
