if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
