i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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