you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
