Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
