worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
