My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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