More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Ladies don't puke and tell
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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