Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
