if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
