She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
