new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
