I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
