cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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