btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
