And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
