I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
