Soap is not a condiment
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
