i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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