just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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