My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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