There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
