so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
