Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Randomize
