You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
