ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
