We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize