I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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