he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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