Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
