Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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