The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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