I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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