Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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