dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
