i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
