I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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