good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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