Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
