If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize