my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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