walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
