apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
