Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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