Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
