so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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