I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
