Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
