what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
