last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
