shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
