hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We were destined to go to rehab together
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
