He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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